Week 6 NBA Playoffs Fanalyst Rankings: Thief's Theme

This week’s NBA Playoffs Fanalyst Rankings explain how the Conference Finals will be won by the team that steals a win on the road.

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI plays the fanalyst for the Eastern Conference Playoffs. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, the NBA Mistress plays the fan and provides the slander. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference Playoffs.

1. Miami HEAT (10-4, Last week #1)

MHI: According to nbastuffer.com, only 3 teams had a positive efficiency differential on the road in the 2012 NBA Playoffs (as of June 1st): Spurs (+2.5 points per 100 possessions), Thunder (+1.8) and HEAT (+1.1). The HEAT only outplayed opponents at 2 positions on the road this season: shooting guard and small forward. Mario Chalmers was the only player that provided above average production on the road besides LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. If Chalmers struggles in Game 4, then Coach Erik Spoelstra will need to pass the ski mask to Udonis Haslem. Wade will definitely be wearing his in Game 4 and the HEAT will eliminate the Celtics in Game 5.

NBA Mistress: BUT THE HEAT LOST A GAME! THE SKY IS FALLING! LeBron James isn't clutch! Wade is old. Mike Miller is off in Never-Never Land simping. Mario Chalmers is busy trying to become Nick Cannon and Shane Battier is waiting to fuck yo moms. Boston is ready to Ben-Gay Miami's asses, and sodomize them with Pierce's old wheelchair and even up this series.

2. Boston Celtics (9-7, Last week #2)

MHI: Opponents have outscored the Celtics by 3 points per 100 possessions on the road in the 2012 NBA Playoffs and they’re only 17-24 on the road all season. Kevin Garnett shoots efficiently on the road but his production goes in a negative direction for the other 3 Factors of Basketball Success: turnovers, rebounding and getting to the line (according to hoopsstats.com). Declining superstars don’t make good thieves in the playoffs and that’s why the Celtics can’t win the Eastern Conference Finals.

NBA Mistress: Yeah, Miami has LeBron, but they don't have 'bitchass' Kevin Garnett. When's the last time Lebron death-stared someone? Choked someone? Got hard fouled and turned around and did seven push ups? *crickets* That's what I thought! KG is the bitchass GAWDDD! ALL HAIL KG!! ALL HAIL KG!

"What about me?"

ALL HAIL ALIEN HEAD! ALL HAIL ALIEN HEAD!

"What about me?"

ALL HAIL RAY'S BONE SPURS! ALL HAIL RAY'S BONE SPURS!!

"What about me?"

Pierce, you look like a poor man's Nate Dogg. Go sit the fuck down in the corner and eat your prunes.

3. Indiana Pacers (6-5)

ELIMINATED

4. Philadelphia 76ers (7-6)

ELIMINATED

5. Atlanta Hawks (2-4)

ELIMINATED

6. Chicago Bulls (2-4, Last week #6)

ELIMINATED

7. New York Knicks (1-4)

ELIMINATED

8. Orlando Magic (1-4)

ELIMINATED