Shane Battier: STRESSED OUT

Apparently, Shane Battier is stressed out. Here are a few tips to relieve his stress.
There are few things I hate more than linking to a story on ESPN's biting ass Heat Index, but their very own Chaz Bono posted a story that made my day.

@windhorstESPN breaks down Shane's slump: Spoelstra meets with stressed Battier - Heat Index Blog - ESPN es.pn/wG5cs2
— Michael Wallace (@WallaceNBA_ESPN) February 7, 2012

Why is Battier stressed out? Because he sucks. Battier's played 55% of his minutes at shooting guard for the HEAT this season and, according to the HEAT Produced Page, is below average in the following statistical categories at that position (all stats per 48 minutes):

• Shooting efficiency: Battier (41%), Avg SG (47%)
• Free throw shooting: Battier (47%), Avg SG (74%)
• Shot attempts: Battier (8.4), Avg SG (17.1)
• Free throw attempts: Battier (1.5), Avg SG (4.8)
• Points: Battier (7.5), Avg SG (19.4)
• Rebounds: Battier (4.1), Avg SG (5.2)
• Steals: Battier (1.8), Avg SG (2.0)
• Assists: Battier (2.3), Avg SG (4.2)

When estimating how many wins Battier's stats produced for the HEAT, it comes out to zero wins produced and 0.004 estimated wins produced per 48 minutes (est.WP48). Is this lack of production a surprise?

.@windhorstespn: "Battier's shooting 31% from 3 & 31% on 2s. This is simply not what anyone expected" #HEATCheck I DID! bit.ly/sd84yG
— reservoirgod (@MIA_Heat_Index) February 7, 2012

ESPN's Chaz Bono think Battier's poor production is a surprise, but it's not. These posts and podcasts predicted that Battier would stink with the HEAT:

• Where's the Value of Battier's Defense?
• Why I Hate Battier
• HEATcast: The Good, the Battier & the Ugly of HEAT Free Agency

So Battier sucks and he's stressed out. What can be done about this? Here are three suggestions:

• 1. Bench Battier. Instead of giving Shaved Monkey Nuts (aka Battier) pep talks, Erik Spoelstra should give his minutes to James Jones and Mike Miller and Battier doesn't have to worry about how his terrible play is killing the team. The HEAT would have produced an extra 1.3 estimated wins this season if Jones had played all of Battier's minutes (see the HEAT Produced Page). According to the NBA Geek, if Jones had played all of Battier's minutes, the HEAT would have the best winning percentage in the league.
• 2. Trade Battier. Kevin Durant said he wanted Battier on the Thunder and Thabo Sefolosha, OKC's defensive specialist on the perimeter, is out indefinitely with a strained tendon in his right foot. Trade Battier to OKC for Nazr Mohammed and the HEAT have a replacement for "2 Fat 2 Dunk" aka Eddy Curry. Battier can't be traded until March 1st (according to ESPN's trade machine) so Sefolosha's foot injury would have to linger for the Thunder to be tempted to make this trade. Battier gets to go somewhere he's wanted and won't be called Shaved Monkey Nuts by the fans.
• 3. Amnesty Battier. Shaved Monkey Nuts get to sit on the bench for the rest of the season (see option #1) and the HEAT admit it was a mistake after July 1st and cut him loose to rot in NBA hell with the rest of the losers from Duke.

Of course, the odds of the HEAT getting rid of a player that's close friends with the CEO, Nick Arison, are probably slim. Battier will be the first test of Arison's leadership. If only Pat Riley was still in charge of personnel decisions... but that's a story for another day.