Week 5 Eastern Conference Fanalyst Rankings: Top Heavy & Bottoming Out

The Miami HEAT's biggest competition last season, Chicago Bulls and Boston Celtics, are worlds apart just like the Fan and the Fanalyst in this week's Eastern Conference Rankings.

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI played the Eastern Conference fanalyst. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, Mrs. NBA played the fan. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference Rankings.

1. Chicago Bulls (15-3, Last Week #1)

MHI (The Fanalyst): Without Derrick Rose (the best PG in the NBA), the Bulls came through the week with the best record in the NBA and the best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential (i.e. points scored minus points allowed based on strength of opponents). They should run the Nets, Pacers and Bucks off the United Center floor next week before they take the best record in the league to face the boys by Biscayne Bay. If Rose plays, then that game could determine the #1 spot in next week’s rankings.

Mrs. NBA (The Fan): What’s new?!?! The Bulls are looking to be a nice team, plus they don’t have LeBrick or Old Man Wade on their team. Instead, they embrace this whole team concept. Bulls >>>> Heat

2. Miami HEAT (11-4, Last Week #6)

MHI: The HEAT went into the weekend 3-0 without Wade for the week and the fourth-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential behind the Bulls, Hawks and 76ers. They blew out the 76ers by 21 and get the Bucks, Cavs, Pistons and Knicks before they play the Bulls next Sunday. The HEAT have to win that game to prove they’re a better team than last season.

Mrs. NBA: Heat still BLOW MORE THAN A KARDASHIAN BLOWS ATHLETE(s)… They beat the Spurs???? CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS. They beat the Lakers???? I would think giving up a 23 point lead late in the 4th quarter is a sign of another LECHOKE job in the future. But then again, you aren’t really a Heat fan, but rather a Dwyane Wade DICK-RIDER! Heat are third at best!

3. Atlanta Hawks (12-5, Last Week #3)

MHI: The Hawks have the second-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential after the first four weeks of the season and went 3-1 without Al Horford last week (2-1 against teams in the Fanalyst Rankings). They should go 3-1 on the road next week against the Bucks, Spurs, Pistons and Hornets to hold down the 3rd spot and keep pressure on the HEAT for the division lead. Fans don’t respect the Hawks and the GMs don’t either, but this team is guaranteed a spot in the second round of the playoffs if they’re healthy.

Mrs. NBA: This team deserves the second spot, you must be smoking some of that “Kobe System” crack. No Al Horford and they are still doing well?!?!?!?! You must also be color blind and have a fetish for sucking toes…

4. Orlando Magic (11-4, Last Week #4)

MHI: The Magic will be a top-4 team in the East as long as Otis Smith keeps his job and Dwight Howard, but they’re still a first round upset waiting to happen with just the 5th-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the conference. Back-to-back games on the road against Roy Hibbert and the Pacers and Emeka Okafor and the Hornets could be potholes on their schedule next week but they should win at least one to justify being the 4th-best team in the East.

Mrs. NBA: Who cares???? Dwight Howard is the only thing that keeps this team relevant…

5. Philadelphia 76ers (11-5, Last Week #2)

MHI: The bad news is their losses to the Nuggets and HEAT dropped them to 2-4 against teams in the Fanalyst Rankings. The good news is next week they get to play a 4-game home stand against the type of bad teams they’ve dominated this season: Wizards, Nets, Bobcats and Pistons. Beating up on the Children of a Lesser God keeps the interest in the 76ers mild at best for the fans and the front offices around the league.

Mrs. NBA: How convenient, you mention the loss to the HEAT... Get back to your FAKE ASS FANDOM

6. Indiana Pacers (10-4, Last Week #5)

MHI: It’s reality check time for the Pacers. After splitting games on the road against the Kings and the Warriors, they play @Lakers, Magic, @Bulls, @Celtics and @Magic. Two wins against that schedule will be a miracle next week. The Pacers are Playoff Pretenders just like the Sixers. Good enough to make it, but not good enough to hold anyone’s interest and win a series.

Mrs. NBA: Do you just hate everything outside of Miami???? You must hate Ohio too???? But then again you are a New Yorker PRETENDING to root for the HEAT, when you just want to rub olive oil on Wade’s bunions. Either way, Indiana has to step up or be left behind.

7. Cleveland Cavaliers (6-9, Last Week Unranked)

MHI: How bad is the East? Bad enough for a rebuilding team that lost its last two games by an average of 33 points to have the 7th-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the conference. The Cavs should go 2-2 next week with Rookie of the Year favorite Kyrie Irving lighting up whatever matadors the Knicks play at PG and the worst defense in the NBA behind Deron Williams.

Mrs. NBA: The Cavs have a better record than the Knicks and the Celtics!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Hold one moment. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, I’m back. No, I’m not. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Man, the East really does blow!

8. Boston Celtics (5-9, Last Week #8)

MHI: The Bucks, Nets and Knicks have a better schedule-adjusted efficiency differential than the Celtics this season. Boston gets the 8th spot because the Bucks will likely go 0-4 against the Hawks, Rockets, Bulls and Lakers next week; the Nets will go 0-3 on the road against the Bulls, Sixers and Cavs; and the Knicks will go 1-3 on the road against the Bobcats, Cavs, HEAT and Rockets. The Celtics will need Rajon Rondo to play all four games next week against the Magic (home-and-home), Pacers and Cavs to stay in the Fanalyst Rankings. If he doesn’t play, then they could go 0-4 and Danny Ainge euthanizes the Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen triumvirate in Boston. The best case scenario is that he plays, they split and they stay in the top 8.

Mrs. NBA: Remember when *I* said the schedule and their age would AFFECT them and you were like "Oh, Noes, Bitch. They gonna be a top 3 team." So how is that working out???????????? Send them some antacids, a few walkers, Ben-Gay and some prunes… Maybe that will help.